I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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