I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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