i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
