Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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