i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
