i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
