Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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