I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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