Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
