dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
