I can feel you judging me through the phone.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
