I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
