It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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