the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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