your room smells of hookers.
And success
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
