If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
