I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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