is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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