At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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