Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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