Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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