take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
