I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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