Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
