they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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