New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
