Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
