I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
