He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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