I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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