i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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