The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I came so hard my ears popped.
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