If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
