hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
