i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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