i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
