On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
