So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
no, he came in my armpit
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
