At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
