The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
