ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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