Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
