Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
