I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
