i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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