2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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