I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
