I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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