the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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