this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
