I'm so fucking centered right now
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
